The Church’s new Come Follow me program is basically my favorite thing. Every week, the first and second hour of church each week blend so well together and I’ve learned so much. I look forward to going every Sunday and participate so much more in second hour.
Something I’ve really appreciated lately is how willing the Spirit is to teach, particularly in ways we are already accustomed to learning. This, is why for the last two weeks now in church I’ve related everything during second hour to statistics and research and it’s fantastic.
In Relief Society recently, we discussed the talk, Becoming a Sheppard by Bonnie H. Cordon. One section and common theme throughout this talk particularly stood out to me in it’s focus on people being “Known and Numbered.” I had been working on some sensitive data the day before and noticed a common theme. Many of the questions asked to attain the data were set with a very standard “one size fits all” approach that is frequently used in survey responses. The survey asked a question and then provided a number of response options that the researcher felt allowed for the possible responses. An “other” box was also provided where the respondent could fill in their own answer if they felt there was no representation fitting them. In this very sensitive data, I found that the “other” box was used quite frequently which meant I had to go through, read the responses, and recode them appropriately, determining whether they really were an “other” option or if they fit into another box better. Most of the responses I read through clearly fit into another area and it was interesting how so many people had not felt that way. After thinking about it though, I realized how those people just wanted their story to be heard. They couldn’t fit into a box because it simplified their experience and they had so much more going on that they needed acknowledgement of. They felt distanced from others that may have checked that box because their experiences were uniquely their own.
This drew so many parallels with this talk for me. Sister Cordon discusses our responsibility for knowing and numbering Christ’s sheep and goes on to explain how the point of numbering is not the numbers, but helping account for people feeling the love of the Savior. It was the same with the data. I was recoding for the numbers, but the goal was not to have a bunch of numbers. I wanted to be able to understand as a whole the experiences people were having, to acknowledge and validate them. The same should be the want with ministering; we are to acknowledge and validate the experiences of others, to love them, and to help them come unto Christ, who understands their experiences better than anyone. We have commonalities, but our being numbered isn’t just for the numbers.
Our fifth Sunday lesson given by bishop was a recent BYU speech, “Stand Forever” by Lawrence E. Corbridge. In this talk, Corbridge specifically brought up different methods of learning and addresses scientific and analytical methods of answering questions. He presented four total methods and really emphasized the divine method, but gave acknowledgement to the importance of the others as well and how even in seeking gospel knowledge and understanding, they can be of worth. This got me thinking and I immediately jumped to methodology of statistics that I generally use.
In doing social science research, there is a null hypothesis and an alternative hypothesis. The null hypothesis is what you test through analysis and the alternative is kind of just the presentation of the converse. So in a gospel example, a null hypothesis might be “The Church is true” where the alternative would be “The Church is not true.” The thing about doing research this way is that you can never actually accept either hypothesis as being true. Rather, you can either reject the null hypothesis—meaning that you reject that the church is true. Or you fail to reject the null hypothesis—meaning that you don’t reject that the church is true.
The next step is to test your hypotheses. It’s tricky in this area to determine what variables would provide an accurate answer for the hypothesis but I decided that a comparison of the Bible and the Book of Mormon would provide some context for that. In doing a comparison, you would run “crosstabs” to look at the means (or averages) of these two things. Because they both have the same teachings, there would not be differences and no statistical significance would be found. When no significance is found, you fail to reject the null hypothesis. So because there are no significant differences in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, you fail to reject that the church is true.
This can be done with so many different statements about the gospel. You could question whether or not there is a living prophet on the earth today and if he truly receives revelation for the church. For that one, I’d compare a prophet that you do believe in with the current prophet. A crosstabs analysis of Joseph Smith and Russell M. Nelson would find no significant differences in the truths they teach. Although there are differences in policy and such, the foundation of gospel truths and knowledge would not bring significant difference.
On and on, comparisons could be made but because God is eternal and unchanging, I don’t think there are any areas where this would not work. Of course, I do have to acknowledge that these tests can’t actually be run. This is more qualitative heavenly objective data and social stats don’t really account for that. However, this may be the only data that is ever truly objective; it’s just a matter of us being subjective about it.
I love being able to find ways to relate my life to the gospel and vice versa. It brings such enhancement for my unique and profound knowledge in areas to be built upon and to build to my testimony. It’s quite a good time.
It’s not the way you didn’t see me
I never come here anymore
You have a life, you have to live it
And I can’t blame you at all.
—Parachute, What Breaks My Heart
In recent weeks, I have given a lot of thought to my own opinions. (I’ve also been trying to find time to finish this post for weeks). Considering and reconsidering them and pouring over my own posts to find my truth. The thing about truth, is that it’s frequently changing. Not a solid, but not quite a liquid either. It’s more like a state of plasma, existing at such high energy and creating such brilliance that only some can understand and manifest. I know what I believe, but I sometimes struggle to explain when people confront me about my ideas. Anyways, one of the ideas I’ve been working to reform and improve on lately is that of love and relationships. I face a lot of rebuttal when explaining that I don’t think “falling in love” is the way to go because if you fall in, then there’s an implication that you will also fall out. Relationships—all relationships, not just romantic—are so cost/benefit in my mind and very much a business deal.
A misunderstanding I have come to recognize that some people have when I say that, I’m talking about the economic cost/benefit. It’s not about the money, although I’m sure that plays a micro role. The macro level I talk about with cost/benefit of micro relationships is so much more. It’s a scale of the factors, values, and dimensions that a person is costing versus benefiting me. For example, I have a blatant disregard for most worldly romantic ideas (ex. bringing me flowers is dumb and a waste of money unless you are using said flowers to communicate a secret mission’s message through floral meaning, I’d much rather have you take me to a botanical garden for a walk), an appreciation for my independence, and greatly value upfront honesty in all areas and aspects (regardless of what ‘might’ offend me or be to personal—I’d rather someone ask or tell and then we can have a discussion if I feel it crosses a line I’m not comfortable with). These are some of the things I’m talking about when I say cost benefit. If someone brings me flowers or chocolates or whatever everyday, they are not benefiting me. Rather, they are costing themselves and making me feel as though they aren’t truly paying attention or understanding who I am. If someone insists upon knowing all of my whereabouts and happenings, they are costing my independence greatly. I want to be able to drop off the map for a day or so without it being questioned, because sometimes I need those breaks. If someone is lying, they obviously are costing me. There are many more things—time that they require, energy (are they draining to be around? energizing?), effort actually put into maintaining the relationship, etc. I’m often evaluating all relationships in my life to determine which are truly worthwhile, and which are costing me more than I’m able to give.
I expect this analysis to go both ways, although the other party may not consider and assess in the same ways that I do. I hope that if I am costing someone more than they have to offer, they will tell me and/or cut me off. I don’t want to be a vampire draining someone else of life (I can hear you laughing at 14 year old me ;p). At the same time though, initially in relationships, I don’t offer much. Perhaps some time, energy and kindness, but I have no desire to just give myself away. It’s a balance of scales on an additional scale that has to be constantly evaluated and understood by those involved. It’s a business deal to be made.
No educated, well-meaning person would jump into a business deal where they were bound to lose without taking precautions; and no one else acting honestly would expect them to do so. Rather a carefully formulated contract to benefit both parties with risks understood and acknowledged beforehand would ensure a safety cushion of sorts. Regardless, if one of the parties were to lose focus of the scales, to give their all to the other side and believe in an Emperor’s New Clothes sort of way that they were receiving in return risk can grow and backfire. C.S. Lewis puts it best of course. I’ve been reading studying his book, The Four Loves, in all of its deepness. There’s a line specifically in Eros but I’d like to apply it to more than that, “Eros is driven to promise what Eros of himself cannot perform.” This is what marriage is. This is what life is. We as humans often make promises we cannot truly keep. We commit to people in ways that we can never fully ensure. There’s no way, no matter what your argue, that you will “always be there” or “never stop loving” someone or whatever else it may be. This is not to say that you shouldn’t say those things or try to follow through, but rather that everyone involved should understand that love does not come with a guarantee. Commitment, no matter the strength is not completely unconditional, and if you make it so, I would argue that that’s an unhealthy constraint which brings so much potential of you getting hurt.
Example that you should not take too literally because this isn’t the only way that this can work: A couple promises to be faithful to each other no matter what and love each other unconditionally. Then one of them has lunch with an overly friendly coworker of the opposite gender and they get a bit flirty. OMG. Okay so maybe this counts as them being unfaithful now. And now one person has done this idiotic thing and hurt the trust of the other. They broke those promises and now the other person is hurt and second guessing themselves and it’s just a stupidly unfair situation all around. But they go on, and love each other “unconditionally,” right? But what if it happens again? What if more happens? I know that forgiveness is supposed to be an infinite thing, but forgiving someone does not mean that you have to keep letting yourself get hurt. No one should have to put up with that. That is a cost that outweighs whatever benefits that person is getting and thinks they are getting (because those are different).
Shifting gears I bit, I get it. I get that we will not always be happy with our relationships all the time and shouldn’t readily through them all away the moment they go south, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t assess them. Certain costs weigh more than others. Some can be lightened or fixed, and some cannot. Sometimes costs become benefits and vice versa. Just because someone may be costing you more in the moment doesn’t mean you should throw them out. But it is something that you should be aware of and understanding the extent of which it costs you.
Someone costing me time is something I’m willing to be okay with (as long as it isn’t causing too much cost from other areas like school, health, work, spirituality). Someone draining me emotionally by making me feel inferior constantly is something I won’t put up with. It doesn’t matter if that person is going to continue to be in my life, I can distance myself and alter my own actions to keep myself safe and sane.
Another example: 2 friends are very close but one of them has some unfortunate circumstances occur which in turn make them a bit more reclusive and sad. Other friend becomes more supportive, offering help but begins to be overbearing and drain what little is left of the hurting person, as they have to constantly reassure that they are fine. This continues and with the circumstances ongoing without resolution, it becomes easier for the hurting person to end the friendship to save their own energy. Now sure, you could argue that the person could have just talked to their friend but DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ENERGY THAT TAKES and also they shouldn’t have to. Support is great but sometimes people just need space.
For me, when the cost of losing a relationship of any sort is less than what they are costing me, it’s something I have to consider. This is how I keep balance and health in my own life. Toxicity in people doesn’t always have to be the classic traits and examples; it’s relative to yourself. Sometimes at the initial stages of growing relationships, these traits aren’t seen. It’s difficult to assess where things will go as people are shaped by their experiences and comfort in the relationship is gained. When things go sour, I often look at myself and I can recognize behaviors that I don’t want to be exhibiting but for whatever reasons due to my circumstances, I am. That isn’t always how I am, but a negative situation will bring out my negativity.
Now this isn’t the way that most of my relationships go. Sure, they all have ups and downs and people come and go, but for the majority of important people in my life, they remain important. I might go through phases of needing a break from someone and then reigniting that relationship later when we are both in different places and can keep better boundaries. This is the way however, that a lot of my “romantic” relationships go. Because of the weight that an eternal companion in general holds, that’s an area I’m not willing to have immense costs in. I am not going to continue something if I can see that something is going to be constantly costing me. This isn’t stupid things like which way the toilet paper goes (tail against the wall) or where to squeeze toothpaste from (why do couples even share toothpaste?). No, it’s the important things like how does this person react in _____ situation? Is that something I’d be okay with being directed at me? At someone else that I love?
Being romantically involved seems to create a predisposed connotation that implies you have to come to compromises or agreements on everything. I have yet to determine how valid I think this actually is and what weight it carries. It would seem most friendships, familyships (why is there no word for this??), and less committed relationships allow for more disagreements without disrupting the harmony of the relationship. Disagreements create contention and strain between people but those in romantic relationships have a higher expectation than other relationships to resolve these issues in a timely matter. This adds an additional level of assessment to be done as you configure how well you and said partner can compromise and what cost/benefit that level brings. The inability to compromise and/or agree gives a large cost for me which is where a lot of strain in my relationships—all of them—seem to come from. I recognize that not all issues will be agreed upon, but in certain areas, it’s a necessity.
The trick with this method of analysis in regards to partners, is that you have to consider future costs and benefits as well. You have to assess not only what they bring/take to/from the table now, but also what will change and be different in the future. Of course you can’t foresee everything, but a lot of those situations are avoidable with communication and consideration. Human behaviors are predictable and through observing and knowing a person over time, this future assessment becomes easier. There’s a great advantage in this area, because as individuals become closer and their relationship grows over time, they will both change, as humans do, but they can change and develop together. If carefully considered before commitment, this can become a huge strength.
Switching lanes again, my adverse feelings towards romantic relationships are frequently criticized, particularly upon my openness of no desire to have children and additionally my disregard for commonly accepted romantic gestures. Most of it is this cost/benefit stuff. What isn’t often considered, is my predetermined costs for any relationship. I have opened up to a lot of people. I share lots of things about my life and my mind with others to different degrees. However, I’ve grown tired of always opening up, of explaining and starting over again and again. I’m tired of letting people in and then having to rebuild the walls that have come down once they leave. I’m happy with my independence, with my schedule and the things I do. Any interference, no matter how enjoyable, causes a cost of disruption. It doesn’t matter if I end up having the best days of my life during that time, because if that fun doesn’t last (which it doesn’t seem to often) then I have to spend time reconstructing my schedule and readjusting to life without that person. There are of course, with anyone, predetermined costs of expectations, initial effort, and the ever-so-obnoxious answering of questions like “so are you guys dating…?”
I could quite literally write receipts or bills of the costs of a relationship. This might have to look somewhat like the balancing of a checkbook that always ends with an in-debt balance that then has to be rebuilt individually. It’s when someone else tries to enter before the balance has regained neutrality that even more problems occur. So maybe it is about money, just not in the way everyone assumes…Let’s play a game of post *hypothetical* relationship analysis:
Costs: expectations $5, starting over $100, effort $15, answering other people’s questions $10, time $300, opening up $900, energy $75, resources $50, undesired negative emotions* $350, undesired/unwarranted “positive” emotions** $80, mutual rule breaking*** $80, dtr $50, gaslighting/catfishing/leading on $15, lost friendship $55, broken heart tax**** 15%.
Benefits: time $15, touch $75, positive emotions $200, friendship $50, fun $100, emotional support $10.*****
Ending balance: -1,595 (not including tax)
*including but not limited to annoyance, anger, frustration
****May not actually be in regard to broken heart, but simply the effort it requires to move past a lost relationship
*****Categories are relationship specific and may be altered, deleted, or added to as necessary.
So now that this analysis has finished and you can see a *pretend* ending balance, tell me again why I should be more open to dating? Why I should let you set me up? Why I should go out with you? It takes a lot of convincing for me to enjoy any of that because it slows my progress on rebuilding previous debt and adding credit (yes, that balance could be/can be/has been a positive number!). The effort of starting relationships and expounding on them is an effort I’m not always willing or wanting to put forth. Sometimes I just want my balance to be a large quantity of debit of happiness and independence that allows me to spend freely as I desire without hurting. That is what I mean when I say relationships are cost/benefit and why I analyze them consistently. I want to have debit, not credit. I want the relationships I can trust enough to put them on my emotional debit card, not just a credit card. For now, everyone wanting my attention better be bringing a gift card.
My dear friend, M, is chronically dehydrated. This is something my other friends and I have tried to assist in through water bottle shopping, app downloading, and persistent reminders including us sitting and watching her chug water.
I’ve experienced an unfortunate water bottle dilemma over the last couple weeks that deserved an over dramatization in my email to M this week and it was just too good not to share beyond that email.
There once lived 3 water bottles, in perfect harmony, shuffled between the fridge, table, car, bedside and more. They loved to go on adventures in the heat of Arizona and return each night to rejuvenate and tell each other of their adventures. They were nurtured frequently by their caretaker, Filter Pitcher. Each had their place in life. Glassy Silicone liked to go to church and stores, where she was easily carried around. Pink Two-Top was the most flexible and loved to go on any outings, but really enjoyed the company of food. Gray Bottleneck was Pink’s cousin, and was happiest in chill places like the bedside.
One day, as Glassy was on a break, headed to chill with homework, a ghost pushed her off a ledge. The scene that remained below on the tile floor was graphic, so much so that Filter Pitcher kept the others in the fridge until the authorities could clean up the scene. No one suspected that the seemingly suicide was actually a homicide. Innocently, the others went on journeys to search for a new companion but to no avail. Soon they turned to online to find a bottle to complete their needs.
But tragedy struck again. Just as Pink was leaving for an outing, she too dropped from a great height. This method of murder was a bit different, resulting in a near decapitation, again too graphic for the others to see. The authorities now knew that this was no mistake. They took preventative measures to ensure that no harm would come to Gray and that he soon could enjoy company once again. It was an exhausting job to be solely relied on for hydration for a whole week, but he made it. And he was there as another cousin, Red Bottleneck was discovered. Pullstring Newbrand was a bit different than Gray was used to, but he fits in well with the crowd. Although Gray and Filter Pitcher still mourn the untimely deaths of their beloved, peace and hydration have returned. They pray daily that tragedy will not strike again.
Everyone who knows me knows how much I love to play games. 97% of the time I am down for a game night whether it’s card, board, parlor, night games or just whatever. I love it all. I’ve been going to a lot of game nights lately and realized that I have a TON of games to play that are super convenient for any situation because they require little to no equipment and can be done with small or large groups. I decided a list is necessary to keep track of them all as a reference and method of internet loci. There are some hints or answers to how to play the games that have been hidden. Highlight all of the text for answers and help. Lots of these are great time fillers, especially in schools. This will probably be added to because I certainly haven’t played every game that’s out there. I also did not include some of the really popular ones like Capture the Flag and Mafia.
Psychiatrist: One of my favorites that can go on for a long while before it gets boring. One person leaves the room and while they are gone, the rest of the group decides what their collective diagnosis is (everyone’s is the same). It might be something like answering as a certain person would (either real or fiction), adding an action every time you speak (touching your hair, tapping your foot) or something else (only answer in lies, say “um,” blink a lot). After the diagnosis has been decided, the person returns to the room and stands in the middle. In order to figure out what is “wrong” with everyone, they must ask questions to one specific person at a time. Sometimes it’s good to ask general questions that you know the answer to like “What is your name?” and sometimes more specific “Why is the sky blue?” This allows the person to notice the way that each person answers and figure out what the diagnosis is. Once they have guessed correctly, someone else is chosen to go out and a new round starts.
Poison Frog: This one is a big hit with kids. I recommend it be played for only a short time though because it gets redundant fast. One person leaves the room and they are the “Detective.” While they are out, the group chooses one person to be the “poison frog.” (Note: children often ask if they can be the poison frog before the detective has left the room. You basically have to explain constantly that they have to wait so that the detective doesn’t know who it is right away). The detective returns once the frog is chosen and they stand in the middle to try to figure out who the frog is. Meanwhile, the frog subtly sticks their tongue out at other players, one at a time. The players then count to ten slowly in their head (while the poison sets in) and then they die a dramatic death. The drama makes it more exciting. The frog’s goal is to kill all of the other players without getting caught. The detective has 3 chances to guess who the frog is. If they guess correctly, the detective wins and the people are saved. For each incorrect guess, that person assumed to be the frog dies. This creates pressure on the detective and eliminates people faster. One other thing to note with this game is that everyone seems to suddenly need to lick their lips during the game. DON’T DO IT. It’s confusing.
The Question Game: Good for kids and for adults. One person starts by looking to another player and asking a question. That person now has to turn to someone (or the same person that asked them) and ask a question. If you answer a question you are out. For older crowds, laughing at anytime also gets you out. Questions may not be repeated and you can’t take “too long” to ask a question. Kids sometimes get really insulting with this game asking “Why don’t you like her face?” or “Why does he have a big mouth?” so limits should be set on the kindness.Asking questions that people have a hard time not answering is a good strategy. For example: “Did you want to leave soon?” or “How do you play this game again?” Those questions are more likely to catch people off guard.
The story game: One person stands in the middle and points to someone who begins a story. For as long as the person is pointing at them, they have to continue the story. When the person points to someone else, they have to pick up the story in the spot it was left off. This continues until someone wraps up the story. There are no “outs” or “winning,” it’s just a fun conversation game.
I am a fantabulous dance missionary. It’s what I do. Recently since moving to Arizona, I’ve had a large influx of new friends (because I knew no one and really needed friends) and thus my dance proselyting has also been increased. I get tons of questions about dance though and I realize now that I could save myself a lot of time by writing all of my FAQ answers.
So, you do like Dancing with the Stars?
Uh, no not exactly. That is so much more show and performance oriented than technique. I like real competitions with cabaret (lifts) separated from most of the actual dancing.
Can you teach me/choreograph for my wedding/help me with…?
Yes! I would love to.
What should I wear for social dancing or lessons?
For lessons, you can dress a bit more casually, particularly if you are training hard. Otherwise just wear something you can move in and either dance or shoes that allow you to move and preferably have a smooth bottom.
For social dancing:
Men: Casual, movable clothes, but not what you wore to the gym last week. Shoes with smooth bottoms work best if you don’t have dance shoes (i.e. dress shoes, converse style, not sandals). Jeans are an option, but you may be more comfortable in casual dress pants. Do not wear a suit. You can’t move in those. If you wear cologne, don’t cake it on. Clean shaven is wonderful 🙂
Women: Casual, movable clothes that are not super revealing. Your partner will generally be taller than you and your clothes can determine what he sees when he looks down… Dresses/skirts are great but you MUST wear shorts or leggings underneath. Not super tight pants or skirts. Take giant steps in what you are going to wear before heading out. If it’s too tight or your skirt/dress comes up, it’s time to change. Do not wear high heels unless they are dance shoes and even then, bring back ups. Smooth bottom shoes like converse, toms, or flats are great. No open toed shoes or wedges. Light perfume/lotion. If your hair is longer than your shoulders, you may want to put it up.
Both: NOTHING in your pockets (except maybe a mint). DEODORANT. You will sweat. (Also recommended: sweat cloth, towel or change of shirt). SHOWER.
What if I have two left feet?
Sorry, I can’t hear you. That excuse is out of order.
What if no one asks me to dance?
Ask them! It’s a compliment to anyone to be asked! Make yourself available (Girls, don’t stand in an intimidating pack of your besties). Tapping along to the music, standing, and dancing on the side a bit by yourself are all signs that you want to be asked.
Do I have to say yes if someone asks me to dance? What if I’m on a date?
I am not a huge fan of dancing for dates. I think everyone should dance with everyone, even if you are in a committed relationship. (Maybe make a deal with your partner that you dance all of the Rumbas, Tangos, and Waltzes together, or every other dance.)
As far as saying yes, the answer should almost always be yes to the first dance with that person. It really depends on the situation. When saying no, simply say “Not right now, thank you.” Here’s my situational idea:
It would be our first dance of the night: You can say no if you are injured, have already promised the dance to someone else, or the person has made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe recently. If you are just tired, ask if you can dance later on. If you don’t know the dance PLEASE SAY SO. An experienced dancer would likely rather dance something that you do know, rather than spending a song trying to lead or follow you in something you aren’t familiar with.
It would be our 2nd dance of the night: You can say no if any of the above reasons apply, or you are needing a break. Emphasis on if the person made you feel uncomfortable or hurt you in ANY way during your previous dance. (Maybe communicate that to them if you are comfortable doing so). Also make yourself busy dancing with a variety of other people. Save your pals if you know they are going to be getting into a super bad situation. Just last night, I warned some of my friends at dance about a specific lead who had made me feel uncomfortable and clearly was not sober.
It would be our 3rd+ dance of the night:Any of the above reasons. Try to dance with a variety of people. That will help you become a more experienced dancer and meet new people. Always dancing with the same person can sometimes cause you to develop bad habits (backleading, assuming leads, cheat steps, etc.)
P.S. If you become injured or assaulted while dancing, thank your partner for the dance and end it there. It’s okay to end a dance early. I have done this even for my partner treating me unkindly verbally. IT’S OKAY.
P.P.S. A person is more likely to ask for another dance if A) You know what you are doing B) You have good hygiene C) You are respectful and use manners D) You try to be a good follow/lead (GOOD FOLLOWS DON’T REST THEIR ARMS ON THEIR LEADS)
How can I improve my dancing and learn more?
SO many ways! Go social dancing, take lessons, attend classes and workshops, watch videos and competitions, ask for tips/feedback from more experienced dancers and instructors, watch others dance and identify their steps and technique, and most of all practice, practice, practice!
*during social dancing* Can you teach me this dance?
Yes…..but most of the time when I come to social dance, I want to dance, not teach. Try to catch me when I’m resting, already teaching or before/after the event, or at another time altogether. This also depends on what dance you want to learn. I can teach you a foxtrot basic and send you on your merry little way to do the basic for the rest of the dance. However, when you ask me to teach you Tango or Viennese Waltz, I will probably grimace because for a new dancer, the basic foot positions alone are going to take you forever to get.
How do I know what dance this is?
This takes some practice. Familiarize yourself with the music of one dance type. Learn to count the music. Watch for what the others are dancing. Ask an instructor or experienced dancer. Some songs are really easy to figure out. Slow 3/4? It’s a Waltz. Faster and maybe 6/8? Viennese Waltz. Head bangerz are frequently cha-chas. Songs in 4/4 but with a clear triple beat are ECS. Tangos and Paso Dobles are intense. Quickstep has separate “fast” and “slow” 8 counts.
Why does Cha Cha start on count 2? (Also Mambo)
There’s no actual reason as far as I know, somebody just randomly switched it in the 80’s. I’m currently working on coming up with an urban legend to explain it.
I keep getting off beat!
Pause your dancing. Listen to the music. Your partner will understand.
Dancing to this song is weird! I feel like I’m on a different beat than everyone else!
Is it a WCS, ECS, or Foxtrot? That’s probably because you are. These have mostly 6-count steps, but the music is in 4/4, so there are 8-counts. You probably just started on a different “1” than everyone else, but there’s nothing wrong with it.
If it’s a Cha Cha, you are probably on the “second half” of the 8-count. Stop and start again, making sure you start on “1” and not “5.” This takes a LOT of practice.
If it’s another dance, pause and count the music. If you can’t figure it out, ask an instructor or other experienced dancer.
What is *insert dance name here*? The difference between…?
SO. There are 4 main dance categories for comp, and an additional club/social category. American style is usually done for social dancing, while International is more competitive based.
American Rhythm:The American equivalent of Latin (these categories are kind of merging though)
Cha Cha: Starts on count 2, hip action is different from Latin. Has a “Cha cha cha” shuffling sound.
East Coast Swing: American equivalent of Jive. Jazz roots. Can be danced with a triple step or a half timed single step (these can be mixed). Fast tempo, very upbeat.
Bolero: The incest child of Rumba and Waltz. Basically international Rumba but with rise and fall. Characterized by dropping/drifting motions.
Mambo: “Salsa but on count 2” “Cha Cha with out the cha cha chas” “That thing they dance in Dirty Dancing”
Rumba: American style that is either loved or hated, no inbetween. The baby of Waltz and Cha Cha, often steals moves from either. Slower and not usually counted with numbers, but rather by “Slow quick quick”
American Smooth: American Equivalent of Standard, different because Smooth opens from dance position while Standard does not.
Waltz: Everyone thinks they know it. (NOT WHAT THEY DANCE IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST). 3/4 timing, characterized by rise and fall. Traveling dance and knowing the box step does not mean you know waltz.
Foxtrot: Think smooth and classy jazz. 4/4 time. Also, basically every Michael Buble song ever.
Tango: This is also not what everyone thinks. There are no roses. Promenade is not that dramatic. “Slow, Slow, quick-quick, Slow” rhythm done to intense 4/4 usually instrumental music
Viennese Waltz: NOT “Vietnamese waltz;” that is not a thing. Like waltz, but faster and with more spinning. 6/8 time. Makes girls feel like princesses.
International Latin: Probably the most popular competition category. Lots of fun dances, cuban hip action and energy
Cha Cha: Pretty similar to American Cha Cha. Names of steps are sometimes different, tempo (speed of music), and international steps onto a bent, not a straight leg (hip action).
Samba: Brazilian roots. Lots of bounce but only on the bottom, “party dance.” 2/2 time usually counted “1a2.” Traveling dance down Line of Dance. Not super great for social dancing but can be adjusted for warm up/line dance type things
Rumba: Again, either loved or hated. Very slow and romantic. Timing (slow quick quick) is the same, but steps and basic are different.
Paso Doble: The bullfighter’s dance. Not danced socially. This is the one dance where the attention is on the man who represents the bullfighter. His follow is either the bull or the cape. Lots of hits and fun things in the music, but more limited selection (Challenge: make a pop song that is a Paso).
Jive: Equivalent of East Coast Swing. Very party on bottom. Lots of kicks and high knees. SO MUCH ENERGY. Very fast and yet never fast enough for your coach.
International Standard: This is MY dance category. Standard is once again flowy, Line of dance dances, but never breaks dance position (some exceptions for floorcraft only)
Waltz: Again, not the waltz you think you know. Really freaking slow to the point where it hurts.
Foxtrot: Again, classy and smooth jazz. A bit more dapper alley cat than flapper girl.
Viennese Waltz: All the spinning. Tired of spinning one direction together? Spin the other way! Tired of that? Spin in place! Yay for spinning!
Tango: All the anger and passion and fantastic head flips.
Quickstep: Like your Foxtrot or Waltz routine, except wayyyyy faster and with syncopations and leaps and jumps all while still connected to your partner. Lots of kicks, very upbeat ragtime Charleston kind of music. It’s like you’re running to music. Timing is 4/4 but music has a “fast” and a “slow” 8-count, both of which can be danced to depending on speed and syncopated steps.
Club/Social/Other: This is basically everything else. There’s a lot of it and this list could go on a lot longer, but these are the more popular dances (and the ones my friends would give me a hard time about not including).
Lindy Hop: Similar to foxtrot music, but a bit of a later era (Think 40’s, not as much 20’s/30’s). 8-count for most steps to 4/4. Can be intermixed with lots of other dances like ECS, Charleston and sometimes Blues. Lots of regional differences in technique
Charleston: Lots of kicks. 20’s Charleston is a bit different from modern but can be intermixed. You rarely ever dance only Charleston in a song because it’s exhausting. Characterized by kicks, and side by side or tandem positions.
Blues: This is not “sex on hardwood” but it is a more intimate and passionate dance. Can be danced to different time signatures. Classy and more technical slow dancing. Easily mixed with figures from other dances, lots of swing roots. Many options for music and level of involvement.
Nightclub Two-step: Speed is relative to region. Very simple & fun dance with little technique and lots of options for moves and music. “Glorified deacon-shuffle”
West Coast Swing: Created by Buddy Schwimmer. This is a “slot dance” meaning it can be danced in small spaces, like the aisles of a theater. Follow owns the slot so Leads spend lots of time getting out of their way. Lots of music variety. 4/4 and 6 or 8-count moves. More smooth than other styles of swing, “can be danced with a glass of water on your head without spilling”
Country Swing and other country dances: Seemingly no technique. Injuries. Lifts. But grab your plaid shirt, boots, and the biggest belt buckle you can find.
Polka: Literally just jumping and spinning and then going in line of dance. It reminds me of learning about how the earth spins while also spinning around the sun.
Merengue: Marching in place. Now marching while moving. Yep that’s it. Oh, also wash the windows with your hands.
Salsa: Mambo, but on count one. Way super fun, lots of pivots.
Cumbia: The latin version of Nightclub Two-step. As far as I know, the steps are completely interchangeable.
Bachata: Hip action all over the place. Super fun styling and very easy to learn and adaptable.
Don’t you get dizzy?
Yes. Yes, I do. Spotting helps a bit (at least with knowing when/where to stop). But we also used to see who could be spun the most….my record was 28 in a row. My rule is that you have to warn me ahead of time and dip me at the end until my head stops spinning.
How do I move my hips like that?
Here’s a secret: The movement doesn’t come from your hips. We don’t shake our booty. It’s hard on your back, doesn’t look smooth, and takes WAY too much energy. Instead, use your knees. Pretend like you standing waiting for someone. See how one hip is up? Now switch to the other leg. Bam. Hip action. It all comes from your knees. The bending and straightening of knees and pushing into the floor with your feet creates hip action. Practice anywhere and everywhere and spend lots of time in front of the mirror. Figure 8’s work wonders for your dancing.
How do I remember all the steps I learned?
Practice! If you attended a lesson, ask the instructor to do a demo at the end so that you can record it. Watch those videos and practice through what you remember. Ask questions. I had a coach that always said “Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it makes permanent.” If you are worried about forgetting, the best thing you can do is repeat the movements you learn over and over.
What istension?
Tension is the rubber band feeling in your muscles, that allows you and your partner to have a good connection. This is the foundation of leading and following. If a lead takes a follows hand and pulls them towards themselves, the entire follow should come, not just their arm. If their arm comes/extends, the follow has no tension. Conversely, if a lead moves toward a follow simply by extending their arms, the follow probably won’t move much or know where to go. But if the lead uses their entire body and steps toward the follow, this will tell the follow to move backwards.
A good exercise for developing tension is the “shopping cart.” Take turns leading and following in a two hand hold. Whoever is following should close their eyes and focus on knowing where to go based on where the lead “pushes/pulls” them. (I say pushes/pulls lightly because this is not shoving and yanking. It’s a more gentle and subtle movement). The lead can take the follow in any direction and the follow should be able to respond. Both should never fully extend their arms, or let their elbows go behind their back.
Can you do the splits?
Yes.
Will you dance with me?
Probably.
Why should I dance?
Short answer: It’s fun!
Long answer:
Music! Most everyone loves some sort of music and dance can be attached to any music, sound or rhythm if you try hard enough.
People! This aspect attracts a lot of people and dissuades others. Either way, it’s a chance to experience a new activity outside of your comfort zone. You get to meet new people and be with old friends. Dance is a different experience everyday and it is unlikely that your dance crowd will always be exactly the same, especially when it comes to social dancing.
Movement! Lots of people are uncomfortable with moving their body but learning to control your motions through dance is a very effective way to learn more about yourself and increase coordination and movement in your daily life. Can’t reach that top shelf? Learn a jump or stretch that helps you! Always tripping when you walk? Ballroom dancers spend time every day practicing walking! The list goes on and on.
Endorphins! Dancing/Exercise makes endorphins and endorphins make people happy (and happy people don’t kill their husbands)
Stress relief! It is so much easier to be stressed out about where to move your feet than whatever else is going on in your life. Dance is distracting from worldly problems.
Learning! Learning new things is fantastic, and what’s better than learning an impressive skill that also can be used as exercise and being sociable?
What if you didn’t answer my question or I have new questions?
Text me, call me, talk to me, comment, do something that informs me of your question and I’ll add it. Dance is for everyone. Don’t knock it until you’ve given it a fair shot and explored different areas.
Language is a fascinating thing. From the way that different people all over the world have different ways to say the same things, some with drawls, some with clicking and some with endless abbreviations. For awhile now, I’ve become increasingly aware of languages that are not recognized as such.
For a more popular and noticeable example, you may see how best friends or family members seem to be able to communicate without speaking, and sometimes without even being near one another. As someone who is fascinated by human behavior, this is something that I try to pick up on when I’m around other people. There are the obvious things, where parents make eye contact when their kid isn’t looking as if to say “this is such a bad idea” or “do something about them!” Then there are more subtle things, like when you are at a social gathering and someone leans across another person, who has their arms folded and leans away in response. It’s a definite bubble burst.
There’s the communication with words that always seems to say something different. The infamous, “I’m fine” coming from most girls seems to be a sure sign of trouble. “What do you want to eat?” is always followed by “I don’t know” as an obligatory response because being too decisive comes across as selfishness.
One part of communication that seems to be increasing and developing its own rules in our modern culture is that of pictures as communication. Not photos, but rather emojis and gifs. When I am texting, I can replace punctuation at the end of my sentences with emojis and it will still be understood and read as separate sentences. I can send a wordless gif to show how I feel or what I think. These methods allow for text which previously was thought to be lacking tone, to be indicated by images or lack thereof. For example, if I am upset with someone, my text messages to them will grow shorter and contain no emojis. My messages with my best friends, are super long and have lots of emojis and are sent at a much more rapid rate.
All of these are still pretty popular and well understood ways to communicate. I happen to have a few ways to communicate that not many people understand. A very uncommon language of my own, if you will.
My first additional “language” that I am pretty well versed in is dance. Now there are tons of quotes and people that say ‘dance is universal blah blah blah’ and to a certain extent, they are correct. But more specifically, ballroom dance is my language. To most people, I have to explain ballroom to them in a way that they know, referencing pop culture and movies that make me cringe. No, what I dance is not like Dancing with the Stars. I prefer watching Blackpool and WDSF. This response is followed by “oh” or “what” and I have to stop myself from getting frustrated because there was a time when I didn’t speak this language either. This is why when someone new in a dancer’s life says that they like to dance ballroom, the dancer usually responds with “Oh? What do you dance?” The response gives the dancer all the information they need to know if this person actually speaks their language. If they say something like “I love to dance the waltz!,” they probably don’t know a whole lot. But if they respond with “International, mostly standard,” then they know at least some of what’s up. The language continues quite extensively with vocabulary like “shoe brush” and “Swarovski” and “backing center” being terms that mean nothing to the general population.
Ballroom is a multi part language with facets of dialect in different areas not limited to speaking with words. There’s technical language, where when the coach seems to pull a hair from the top of his head, we know to stand up straighter. Where a nose pointed towards the ceiling is not (always) a sign of a petty person thinking they are better than you. Where the flick of a finger or pretending to reel someone in with a fishing rod at social dancing is not rude, but often flattering.
Then there’s the dancing itself. I have struggled many times to explain to new or non dancers how I know which way to turn my head based on how my lead’s ribs move. How do I explain that the slight movement of a single finger on my back can tell me where to move and my feet what to do? Or how despite dance being a connective communication between me and my partner, that them turning their head while we dance standard will throw me off balance; we have to rely on feel only. A push or a pull tells me to step back or forwards. A rotating wrist can mean styling or a move. My hands can be soft or have more energy based on the dance style, my partner and the song all at once. In what way do you communicate that latin dresses are shorter not to increase the provocative nature of dancing, but simply because that’s what the dance calls for? Can you imagine cha cha in a full ball gown?
There don’t have to be words in dance. I can dance with someone I’ve never met, without ever learning their name or speaking with them, and yet still communicate. Blindfolded, I could recognize a friend by their lead (honest side note that I may just recognize them by their smell because I tend to associate smells with nouns).
I could go on forever about the ways I communicate in dance. One of the more necessary parts of dance communication that is necessary to understand though also happens to be my next language; music.
I don’t play any instruments although I have in the past and I don’t really like singing. So how/why music? I have an ear for music that I lack most explanation for. Throughout the last few years, I’ve made dozens of playlists on Spotify. They’ve become a way for me to communicate, and songs are something that I wish I could use to speak my words. I was explaining this to a friend awhile ago, how I would love to be able to send someone a song and have them understand exactly what I am thinking and feeling through that song. This is not based only on the lyrics, but by the exact sound and everything about that particular sound. The only way I’ve found to be able to explain my ability to do this, is with a parallel to Remy on Ratatouille. This is exactly how I feel and experience my music and playlists. It’s truly a feeling that I have an inadequate feeling to explain.
This is often a struggle for me as a popular get-to-know-you question seems to be “What kind of music do you like?” I always seem to kind of choke when it comes to answering this question. I don’t know how to explain that genres are restricting categories that stigmatize their listeners and cause people to make assumptions about me? Usually, I provide a cop out answer consisting of “lots, not country, favorite band=Parachute.” That usually shuts the conversation down after a minute which I am grateful for since I don’t know how to explain my experience with music.
Needless to say, my playlists are not categorized by the specific genres or moods that they fall into, but more by sound. This began with a playlist of a few songs that just went together. I had no other way to explain. I had lots of different people in my life listen to the songs in an effort to recognize what it was that made them fit like puzzle pieces. The songs were not the same in length, key, gender of singer, time signature, or even topic. I just did not understand, but somehow, they still went together. This became somewhat of a hobby, to find other songs that fit together with or without reason and thus an endless creative streak of playlists were born. (Not exaggerating, I made a new one yesterday). I have a folder of dance playlists, which consist of relevant songs for each dance, but I’ve had dance friends even argue my choices on some of these, claiming that they aren’t right for that style of dance. There are so many different songs that can be used for different dances whether they fit the common mood of that dance or not. To combat these arguments, I’ve picked through those playlists with a fine-tooth comb to make sure that the tempo and time signature works for the dance whether the song relays the suggested mood or not, because all of them, for me, fit.
I have a list of “Complete” playlists that will never truly be complete and then a list of “In Progress” playlists waiting for me to discover more songs that connect. Some of them are more general and some more specific, but either way once someone actually sits down and listens all the way through, they can find some understanding of the message I try to convey with these playlists. For example, I have a playlist with songs currently all by females that is super powerful. Several of the songs talk about love or relationships and other’s about independence but to me, as a whole they all convey the message that forms the Playlist title: Feminism doesn’t mean hating men. There’s another Playlist, The Dreams that leave you Shaken, that through music is the exact way that I feel when I have a dream that isn’t a nightmare, but isn’t exactly a good dream either. It’s the dreams that I keep coming back to in my mind the day after, trying to understand what was happening. There’s a Playlist of songs that are not all West Coast Swing songs, but perfectly describe how I feel when I dance West Coast.
On any given day, if asked, I can provide at least one song to describe me and where my mind is that day. Some of those songs repeat a lot. Some show up once and then never again. I’m not consciously aware of the song everyday but I always know when I find it. Sometimes it’s more than one. It’s a song that if I share it then maybe with effort it can be understood. So far, most everyone doesn’t seem to. This language dialect of music seems to be one that only I speak. It makes regular communication more difficult for me, because I’d prefer to speak this way.
And I certainly try to. Within my array of playlists, there is a folder containing 20+ playlists made for people. I could probably make one for everyone I know, but some of them would only have a song or two so I stick to the people I know best. I’m sure most of these go unused, but still, it’s my way to explain that person. If I were going to show who someone close to me was and what they mean to me, the best place to go would be my playlists. It’s often different styles of music than that person usually listens to which loops back to their lack of understanding and my lack of explanation as to why that song fits or even belongs to them.
What’s my song today, you ask? “Don’t Blame it on Me” by Something in the Night. I can’t tell you why. I don’t have the words. But today, in this moment, that’s the song that my soul clicks with. How do you know who I am through my music? You don’t. My music language is one that exists within my soul and I try very hard to share it with others, but there are no words for it in the way that there are for dance. Dance can be learned. I haven’t yet learned how to teach my language of music in a way that people truly understand so for now, I leave “Hide and Seek” by Amber Run, and I return to my playlists.
I’m sorry I had to do it. I’ve done it so many times before. I tried to warn you and something inside me tried to shout but the only way I knew how to communicate my words was through song and I couldn’t do that either. I was too much of a coward then and I still am now. Joy Williams really put it perfectly. And she’s right. I think I knew all along for every one of them. That’s right, I knew from the beginning. I’m sorry. I really hoped, for a minute that something would be different.
So here’s my pretend Jenny Han. It’s not a complete list and not a totally serious one either. Don’t take my fictional list of nothings to heart.
Life isn’t fair and you showed me that first. At least I follow through. Carsten.
You were a dream and a safety net and just not real enough. I still believe in you.Seth.
You left a hole in my heart that won’t ever be filled until I see you again. Tonka
Sometimes it’s hard to ignore a kind smile when everyone around you has someone smiling at them. Your eyes were closed. Andrew W.
You were the first time I realized it was sometimes healthier to get rid of people. Zach
You were the one to decide and I had to learn to be okay. We don’t get to decide for others and I certainly am not one to be decided for. Mitchell.
I don’t even know how we stopped being friends. That blues dance is still my favorite. You were fun and it was so much better than serious but when it’s all fun and no serious, it can’t last. Charles.
It turned out for the best, don’t you think? And I really did help you find your happiness. Andrew S.
I wish I had been the first to let go. He who shall not be named.
I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. You were the kindest of them all. Jared.
I didn’t even give you the time of day. I should have. David.
You’ve been coming and going for awhile now. The timing never works. Probably not for the best but I’d still say yes if it meant dancing with you again. Billy.
I ran and you didn’t run after me. I shouldn’t have expected you to. I’m glad we talked about it, even if it was a year later. Michael.
I’m sorry we used to fight. You are my best friend. Klaus.
Where did you go? Fictional characters.
I won’t answer. I’m sorry. I tried to tell you. It’s you. It’s me. It’s things you do/don’t do and it’s things I won’t settle for. Brady.
*pending* Case closed. Lessons learned. Fun while it lasted. I’m sorry I made it end that way but it’s what’s best. We both knew deeper down that we would never make it. Damn hormones. K.
It’s not about the effing nail. No one gets to tell me my opinions are wrong. And I’m not looking for someone to fix me. (FWB whose cost of friendship outweighed the benefits)
The list probably isn’t over. Maybe someday I’ll become brave and tell the person that really matters why I choose to Delta Rae. Maybe someday someone will tell me to OneRepublic or take me to Ed Sheeran and tell me a Calum Scott and maybe just then, Joshua Radin. Or maybe not.
I don’t handle compliments in the same way that everyone else seems to. This development has been something acquired over the last few years as I’ve come to realize the lack of truly sincere compliments in our society. Part of this started with a book called, “I Am Not a Serial Killer.” The main character in this book had some issues to say the least, but I learned something from that book that has been incredibly useful to me and become a tool in my life used basically every day. First though, I have to explain why this is even applicable for me.
I’m not so fond of society and the human population. I find most of them dull and their actions questionable. I study sociology because I try to understand why people in groups do what they do. It’s something I truly don’t understand and thus their interactions become fascinating. In addition to this, I’m frequently finding myself annoyed by other humans and the stupidity that laces their comments and actions. Anyways, in this book, the main character, in order to stop his intrusive thoughts, forces himself to find good things about people and compliment them on those things sincerely. At very least, he might tell someone he likes their shoelaces or socks but generally, he tries to go deeper than that and say something about who they really are as a person.
After reading this book, I experimentally adopted this technique and it stuck. To this day, whenever I find myself disliking someone, I find something that I like about them and tell them. The trick is actually telling the person because it holds you accountable for acting in kindness towards them and the people recognize that. Sometimes I explain this action to people and then they think that every compliment I give is simply because I don’t like that person which is not always the case. This is simply my extra effort to always find something good in people and it really works.
In addition to this method of changing my thinking, I changed another way that I handle compliments. I began to notice a large quantity of situations in which people were complimented and the person argued the compliment, making it lose it’s meaning. The giver of the compliment has to either agree with the receiver, or defend their comment with more than they probably ever intended to do. There’s a few reasons that this seems to happen. 1) The receiver is fishing for more than just a few words. (This is stupid and shallow; don’t do it). 2) The receiver truly disagrees (accept the compliment anyways, then you can choose to ignore or internalize it). 3) The receiver doesn’t want to accept the compliment as a compliment (This usually happens with debatable things. I’ve been told a lot that I would make such a great Mom. Which okay…What is that supposed to imply?) OR 4) The receiver doesn’t want to accept that compliment from that giver (usually a compliment regarding something specific that the giver is lacking knowledge in or has too much knowledge about).
Another frequent pattern of compliments seems to be saying thank you and then returning a compliment of their own. An example might be someone tells you that they like your shirt and you respond by saying thank you, and then that you like theirs as well. The ONLY situation in which I allow myself to give a return compliment as such is if I was already thinking the comment before they spoke. If it’s something that pops up after, I remain quiet and just thank them for their comment. I will not minimize a compliment given to me by feeling obligated to give one in return.
This being said, the pattern of thank you’s and your welcome’s after compliments is also sometimes over done. I don’t want to constantly be saying “thank you” after every comment and in the same way as a return compliment, “you’re welcome” seems to almost minimize the compliment given. Thanks is reserved for quick passing compliments from strangers or people that I look up to and of which I value their opinions. However, those compliments from those I look up to usually come in a more formal way, where rather than “I like your shirt” they say something meaningful about my actions, behavior or personality. These compliments are something deeper and something I earn, not a material possession.
Sometimes I’m not even thankful for the compliment. Like I mentioned earlier, many have told me that I would be a great Mom. I don’t know what they are trying to imply, so I’m not grateful for that comment. I usually respond with an “Oh” in those situations because I’ve already discarded the thought. If I do return to it later, it’s simply to decipher what the heck their comment meant. There’s other situations as well were I’m not grateful for the compliment and my thanks depends on who the giver of the comment is.
After acknowledging these patterns of compliments, I started responding in a new way. At first, this was only with compliments given through messages, but it later branched out and now is how I respond to most. Instead of arguing or saying thank you, I just say “I know” or “I agree.” Sometimes I don’t agree, but I will respond this way anyways because in my own way, it is a way of saying “thank you” for noticing something that I made/found/did/have/love/etc. The responses I get from this are baffling sometimes. People have literally stopped talking to me because I agreed with a compliment they gave me. Most of the time, people just laugh because they know that that’s just how I am. Sometimes they think I’m arguing and tell me it’s true, to which I agree again. People don’t know how to respond because they expect one of the actions aforementioned. I catch them off guard by responding in such an abnormal way that sets me far apart from the crowd.
All of this might seem selfish and conceited and rude, but to me it makes sense. Even with my words, I refuse to be what others expect if I disagree with it. For me, this way is the kind way. This is the way that I recognize the good that others see in me without trying to diminish their thoughts.
Switching gears for a moment to a random last thought, complements are interesting things in contrast to compliments. It’s the only situation I can think of where somewhat opposite and often contrasting things come together aesthetically and it works. It’s the contrast of all of the things that creates the unity. This really should be more focused on in our world. If we could learn to complement, rather than compliment each other, things might change. We would be working to play off of each other, to become stronger as one rather than solely noticing the achievements of others. To complement instead of compliment would require observation of each other’s behaviors and reactions rather than just words.
UPDATE 9/9: Because SERIOUSLY what kind of world is this. A wonderful tumblr post, seen below brought me to a conscious awareness of another aspect of compliments that is 100% applicable in my life. (Please take the time to have a benadryl now if you believe you may be allergic to the language used in the post. I will not be held liable).
The reality of this is extensive. The number of times I have complimented guys and then a conversation of flirting or a date ensued is at least equal to the number of times I’ve simply been asked out. It brings a new level of awareness that makes me want to reconsider the limited number of compliments I do give.
Today I’m bored and I may have reached a new level of absurdity. Hence, I’m going to interview myself.
Me: Hi, what’s up?
Also me: Literally nothing today. My cat has been napping on my bed for like 7 straight hours now. I’ve been sitting next to him and in that time I’ve finished a book, wrote, watched 2 different tv shows, spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend and tried to come up with more things to do.
Me: Why don’t you go out and do something?
Also me: Like what?
Me: Good point. Okay so let’s just jump right into this. If you were a part of a burrito, which part would you be and why?
Also me: Easy. The tomatoes. Because on the outside I’m all cute and holding it together but on the inside I’m a mess *winks at camera.*
Me: *laughs* Good one! Which Hogwarts house are you in and is that important to you? Many don’t find it to be relevant in this day and age.
Also me: Oh heavens, yes! It’s so important. Hogwarts houses tell so much about a person’s character and who they really are when it comes down to it. For myself, I am a Slytherin and I agree with that completely. The words generally used to describe Slytherins are cunning, ambitious, resourceful and shrewd. I’m nothing if not those.
Me: Even shrewd? And you, cunning? Really?
Also me: Absolutely. Most people just say I’m intimidating and manipulative though.
Me: Ah. Difficult descriptors indeed. Next question; what is your absolute dream job?
Also me: This is a difficult one for me. There’s so many things I could be good at, but it all comes down to cleaning mirrors. Yeah, that’s something I could really see myself doing.
Me: Very true. If you were an animal, or had a spirit animal, what would it be and why?
Also me: An elephant. Because an elephant never forgets and an elephant is faithful 100%.
Me: Good one. Okay let’s find some hard one from the internet now…*opens google because I was not prepared for this interview*
Also me: Let’s just switch things up for a minute. If someone you loved was killed in front of you, but someone created a copy of them that was perfect right down to the atomic level, would they be the same person and would you love them just as much?
Me: They would be the same, but I sure wouldn’t! I’d probably love them more after watching them die but also be sneakily suspicious…and wonder who this other someone was.
Also me: Yeah, I agree.
Me: Okay here’s one from google. Would the world be a better or worse place if everyone looked the same?
Also me: It would certainly be a more confusing place. And probably worse. Despite the equality, it would be extremely difficult to hold anyone accountable for anything because who’s to say that it was actually that person doing that?
Me: So kind of like us. Whenever you do something, I get blamed for it.
Also me: The reverse is also true.
Me: Fair enough. What’s your favorite emoji to use?
Also me:
Me: You don’t have one?
Also me: No, that’s it.
Me: What’s it?
Also me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Me: Okay nevermind. *Snickers* Next question. Wait, can you hear the cat snoring?
Also me: Yeah and he keeps flinching too. He’s been in dreamland all day.
Me: What’s the last dream you remember?
Also me: I dreamed about the dentist and TMJ doctors a few days ago.
Me: Of course. Someday our jaw will be healed. Anywhoo, what’s on our mind right now?
Also me: So many things. I want to talk to someone, but not the people I talk to everyday. I want some new friends to talk with constantly through text. I don’t even do that with the few friends I do have. I want to listen to some sort of music or something but I don’t know what. I have really weird headache right now that isn’t really a headache but I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like a brain freeze without the freeze part. Also I want it to be warm so that I can go do things (sit outside) in the sun. I’m sort of hungry but also not really but I haven’t had much at all to eat today so I should have something. How is today only Thursday. The weeks go by so much faster when I’m working.
Me: Okay, okay that’s enough of that internal monologue although I’m sure there’s more. What do you need to get off your chest today?
Also me: That I obviously might be just a tad lonesome.
Me: Okay good. I was afraid you might say something deep and even more true.
Also me: Nah.
Me: How can I uplift myself?
Also me: Well I think I’m gonna go shopping tomorrow. And maybe eat a fancy lunch. And sit in the sunshine.
Me: Yes. Let’s do it. What answers am I seeking right now?
Also me: Which career(s) am I actually going to do? What show should I be watching on Netflix? Should I even care to get married? And if yeah, who should I marry? Where do I find him? What should I eat for dinner?
Me: A great mix. What is going well in my life lately?
Also me: Work has been great.
Me: As of today, what is my vision for the next three years?
Also me: Work dang hard and reward myself with (limited) oreos and travel and books.
Me: So looking forward to that. How can we reduce current stress?
Also me: Let’s not talk about that. Also I just remembered last night’s dream. I was dog sitting but also watching a person.
Me: Ohhhkay then. So what makes you most qualified for this position?
You won’t like this post, so go ahead and stop reading here. It’s not for you; it’s for myself. You is the collective you, as in everyone.
My stomach hurts and turns and you can’t even tell that I’m constantly on the verge of puking. I can barely even choke down water. Food disgusts me and it’s unappetizing and you couldn’t convince me to want my favorites, but I force myself to eat something, so that I can pretend to function.
On the palms of my hands are scratches and little half moons from my nails. Up my wrists are more scratches. The hairband on my wrist isn’t for my hair. It’s to snap myself back to reality discreetly, when I’m losing touch again. I used to draw on my hands but I can’t do that now. It’s easy to say the table scratched me. It’s not easy to explain a mess of scribbled ink on my hand. There’s more scratches on my legs. I like to hold sharp objects.
My eyes are greener today. It’s not for any other reason than that I was crying recently. I hate crying. My medicine stops me most of the time, except when it’s all too much. When it’s a little bit of everything.
My words start to change. I become more sophisticated in speaking when I am like this. Contractions start to leave my language. I am unable to control it. My tongue becomes raw from the way I slide it across my teeth. I speak slower, more carefully but again, this is not in my control. My jaw is tight and despite the constant pain, I will disregard this and clench and grind my teeth harder and harder, just to feel something. My laugh isn’t real; even if it came naturally, I will convince myself that it didn’t.
My head feels heavy, with the achy feeling that comes from taking a drowsy medication or crying too much. It’s like this for days. There are dizzy spells where I’m not really dizzy, but almost rather out of control of my body. I can see my hands do what they are told, and my mouth say what I need to say, but I’m not making any of that happen. Thoughts come and go. They are thoughts no one should have but still they come, and sometimes I welcome some of them. Not existing would be easier than this.
My feet still know what to do. They are heavier than normal and it takes more effort, but the muscle memory of dance forces them to be where they need to be. But when I sit, my legs bounce. It’s uncontrollable and when I notice it, I always try to stop them. It’s a different kind of pain.
Sounds and sights are everywhere. They are loud in my ears and bright in my eyes. I can hear you chewing from across the room. The tap tap tap of your pencil hurts not only my ears, but my eyes too from the repetitive movement. I can’t go outside, because it’s too bright. But the artificial light is almost worse. The glow of other screens—movies and computer—invades my vision. I can hear the cars, the heater, the water dripping, the clock, the shuffling of blankets, the creak of the wood, and every other little sound. Fast movements make my eyes feel like they are being stabbed. But slow movements make a dreadful ache. The only fix is when all sounds are of my choice, my creation. The clicking of keyboard keys, gentle songs that I choose. The light of my phone is welcoming even with the pain it causes, because it means that I’m escaping. The ringing in my ears drives me crazy and the thoughts in my head are shouts. Every little thing is bothering me. It all is causing me physical and mental pain.
When my skin is touched by anyone else, it leaves an invisible rash. It physically hurts and almost burns. It leaves my skin crawling and makes me flinch sometimes. It doesn’t matter whether it’s an okay touch or an undesired one; it still echoes for hours to come and if this becomes a memory, I’ll remember how uncomfortable I was. Even my clothes and blankets hurt my skin sometimes. But water does too. And lotion.
I tell you I don’t like country music. I tell you that I don’t like this person or that. I don’t like going to this place or eating that. I don’t like these animals or like to go to that person’s house. I don’t watch that movie anymore or I don’t walk down that street. Some of these truly are dislikes. The rest are triggers. They cause me many of these symptoms. They aren’t the only cause, but they certainly affect how bad they are.
It’s called sensory overload. It comes with my anxiety. Sometimes, I am having a panic attack right in front of you, and you don’t even know it. Other times, I will disappear for the same reason. Those times, I usually need some help to recover from it. But lately, no one is there. No one notices and no one asks.
People say they are looking for attention. It’s not that kind of attention. The only kind of attention I want is comfort. I want someone to tell me they are there and to help me through it. I’m not looking to be popular. I just want someone to care enough to give me a reason not to hurt.
Sometimes my thoughts are a constant loop of how I am the definition of anxiety. It’s not just that though; sometimes I am the epitome of anxiety.
Annee's Alligators 