Love Will Find You There

Love and marriage, love and marriage
Go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell you brother
You can’t have one without the other

—Frank Sinatra

I’m currently taking a class entitled “Sociology of the Family.” We’re mere days into this class and already there has been so much good information. One of my favorite things about school is the classes and things that make you think. I’m not talking about “Give your opinion on blah blah blah” or “What was the author trying to say…” No. But what I do enjoy is the classes with readings that I actually want to read and I end up marking the margins of the book with thoughts and questions.

This class is doing all of that for me. We are reading a book called, “Marriage Go Round” and it’s so interesting. Along with this, we have articles to read for class each day. For class on Tuesday we had to read this article which was so informative to me. It enlightened me to ideas I had never considered or realized that these were even real things. Marriage without love? Who-da-thunk-it?

As I learned in class, the idea of love before marriage and falling into love has only existed for about 200 years. Before that, the feelings of “love” were something associated with adultery and a socially disapproved of relationship. Arranged marriages were popular, but even if a marriage wasn’t arranged, it was simply a union based on the benefits that would come. A man had no reason to marry unless he inherited land or something so that he could start a family to help him care for the land. Marriage simply made sense for society. In fact, if a marriage was not approved of, it could be annulled simply for that reason. One thing my professor pointed out between differences of relationships today and in the past is that it used to be that marriage, sex, and childbearing were a package deal. Today though, those things are very separated. In fact, you can separate all three of them. (If you didn’t know this, go have a talk with your Mommy or Doctor 😉 ).

 Immediately after learning all this, my mind started going back through history and trying to understand and it surprisingly made a lot of sense.

Take the classic example of Romeo and Juliet. They were in love. It was disapproved of because A) it was not an arranged or approved of marriage and B) they were “in love” but “love” didn’t exist like it does today. So many people romanticize Romeo and Juliet, but for what purpose? They were going against societal norms and we find it romantic. Kind of odd if you ask me.

Now let’s talk about fairy tales. If you’re up to date with the modern world or have read the original tales, you probably know that most stories don’t have the happy endings we generally associate with them (Thanks Disney). A lot of the princess-y stories center around this idea of true love. Many of them meet and “fall in love” after hours or days and sometimes it’s even “love at first sight.” When most of these stories were written, love was still the taboo thing that I talked about earlier. Perhaps that’s why these stories fit in so well to our modern day is because of our acceptance of things such as “love at first sight” and “soul mates.”

 Another example could be the book, “The Giving Tree.” I’d like you to think of this book as a mix between the old view of love and the new. The book begins with the old kind of love. The boy and the tree love each other and do things for each other which makes them love each other. Later on, the boy’s view changes though and he begins to have the new view. In this view, individualism is a large part. He takes from the tree without giving back. The boy is happy throughout these parts, but the tree is not. In the end of the book, he reverts to the old views and their love is true because they are focused on that idea of self sacrifice again to make the other happy.

Basically the old idea of love is that marriage and such came first for the benefit of everyone and then you grew to love that person. However, that love was not necessarily the romantic type of love. Nowadays, we fall in love first, and then get into a relationship. The author of the article mentioned earlier talked about this. Her point was basically that if we view marriage as a business type deal, then a union has been made that allows for the benefit of both parties. However, if we have to “fall in love” to get married, then without any other foundation, we can “fall out of love” and therefore destroy the marriage. “George Bernard Shaw once described marriage as an institution that brings two people together under the influence of the most violent, delusive, and transient of passions, and requires them to swear they’ll remain in that abnormal, exhausting condition until death do them part.”

(Update: I’ve also realized that this whole idea of no falling in love before marriage completely eradicates the modern view on same-sex marriage and transgender and all of that. If marriage is just a business contract for the benefit of both parties and attraction plays no part in that, then same-sex marriage and attraction is irrelevant).

All of this thinking this week has caused love and marriage to separate in my mind. Why the heck do they have to be involved? Do I want love or do I want marriage? Isn’t it better to attain marriage and then gain love rather than risk loosing love AND marriage?

Of course, it’s absurd for me to say I don’t want love, especially when this new view is the only one I’ve ever had until this week. But now I’m beginning to realize that this romantic love really isn’t what I want at all. Of course I want the feeling of excitement when my potential mate walks in the room. Of course I want him to hold my hand and dance with me in the rain. But I don’t need this romantic love view that we could lose for that. All I need is a best friend who I care about. Love should be about that self sacrifice and benefiting of each other. It should be a companionship with which you navigate life rather than the fireworks that go off when you kiss but eventually fade away.

All of this had been on my mind this week, and then in class today I asked a few questions which sparked a discussion. It ultimately ended with us questioning whether love was even real or not. We talked about Lee’s different styles of love and how he came up with different words to explain different kinds of “love.” Another thing mentioned in the last class was the idea of how our increasing technology and such causes people to continuously ask “Is there someone better out there for me?” There’s so many dating apps and such which widen the dating pool on such a grand scale. In the past, there was the people you met in real life and that was it. I would guess that this question is what causes people to cheat and/or break up. It causes unhappiness.

My patriarchal blessing when talking about my future husband mentions something about a “choice.” Because of this, over years I’ve come to realize how much of “love” is a choice. I am a firm believer that I do not have a soul mate. I can make a marriage work with any man who loves God so long as we are willing to work together and choose to love each other.

Within the church, there has been some talk of this in recent years. I know that church leaders have said that soul mates are not “real.” In addition to this, Elder Hales gave a wonderful talk. This information from the church is great, but I’ve also realized that I need to dig deeper. We’ve learned in class about the history of marriage, but what about marriage within the church? What about polygamy? What is God’s “stance on love” and does he think we should get married and then fall in love or fall in love and then get married? What is “right”?

What do you think? Am I right about all of this? Or do you completely disagree?

I’m constantly surrounded by couples and “I love you’s” and I’m pretty sure that 95% of my songs on spotify have some mention of love. Valentine’s day is in a few weeks so it’s only going to be getting worse. I’m curious though and I want to know more. I’ll get to the bottom of this and maybe find myself a man along the way 😉

a voice inside is telling you,
you’ve never gone too far,
whispering the promise of a prayer,
love will find you there.

Blow a kiss, Goldfish!

❀ Annee


A Safety Guide to Natural Selection

Note: This post may be added to based upon future experiences

This is a guide to natural selection to dating, meaning that if this selection process does not take place, a natural selection will occur later on probably creating a bit of a living hell.

The thing is, that first of all, you, yourself must be a “fit” component for the selection of others. It’s up the person to determine what that means but it should be similar to what you are expecting of the other person.

So basically both parties must be:

  1. Loyal (first and foremost—see past post)
  2. Can’t have already ruled out a long term relationship with the other person
  3. Kind and considerate
  4. Able to be independent and give/have space
  5. Honest
  6. No Breaking Rules (Up until this determinate phase, we must not have broke any rules)
  7. Worthy (temple, priesthood, whatever this must needs be)

Then there’s my must-be-answered-with-the-correct-answers-due-to-previous-problems-Annee-has-seen-in-her-life questions/determinates:

  1. Reemphasis on #7: Worthy?
  2. Exclusivity (Including clarification of friendships with others of the opposite sex) and brochure of ways I’m allowed to commit murder if cheating occurs
  3. Past relationships I should know about?
  4. Expectations (Am I REQUIRED to talk to you every morning at 8:05?)

Finally, a safety guide to ensure happiness:

  1. No hand-holding, kissing, (only tolerable physical things before marriage) before official dating status has been achieved (arm around me/forehead kisses/escorting are negotiable)
  2. Don’t break any freaking rules (honor code, church rules, etc.). Automatic break up if rules are broken.
  3. Don’t freaking cheat or put yourself in a situation where you are tempted to
  4. Talk to each other every day  often.
  5. Wait until you are in love with each other to tell each other so
  6. Keep physical contact to a minimum (see #1 and #2)
  7. Give each other space (don’t breathe down each other’s necks 😉 )
  8. Be respectful
  9. Break up sooner rather than later if you’ve already decided to do so in the long term
  10. Support each other (his & hers applies to hobbies and such)

So that’s basically it. Life sucks already, don’t be stupid and make it suck for someone even more.

Stay fertile, turtle

❀ Annee

The Thing About Loyalty

Loyalty: noun. the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

Loyalty to me is the most important thing. It’s that one thing that makes all the difference. My loyalty to God and the commandments is how so many of the decisions in my life are determined and what I base my choices off of. It’s loyalty that makes or breaks relationships depending on whether you have it or not.

When I give my loyalty, it is the strongest bond. A chain of steel that I will not break, so long as you hold your end. I’m hurt by disloyalty more than anything else. This last week has sucked because of that. I’ve had a few sucky moments in my life because of it.

When I was a child, my mom was disloyal to my father and our family. It tore me apart and hurt like hell. I guarded myself against this and knew that I never wanted to be hurt that way again. But this week I was hurt again. Not by my family, but by someone who was once more than a dear friend. I found out he’d been lying to me for the majority of our time together and once again, the anger and hurt and sadness I’d felt before came again.

My chest was so tight all day and I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to throw up and pass out and hurt myself all at the same time. I felt worthless. I still kind of do. He’d known exactly how I’d felt about loyalty, and he knew he had my trust, but he was selfish and continued to lie. He’d experienced this side of it himself, and he himself was the result of disloyalty. Every time his words come back to me it’s like a knife twisting further into my gut, making me feel sick again. There were months of lies. I never wanted to be hurt like that. I had guarded myself and somehow he’d got past it.

I think though, that maybe this experience wasn’t for me. I mean, yes, there’s things for me to learn from it, but I don’t think that it really was all for me. In my patriarchal blessing it says I will be “remembered as a virtuous woman for the service I render to my fellow men.” I think this was an example of that service. So many guys before have told me I deserve better than them and I always have a hard time seeing that because my self worth is not the greatest. Well, I do deserve better than this guy. They also always tell me that I’m so good. I feel like I make so many mistakes and don’t ever do enough. I don’t see what they see. Apparently though I give a great service to my fellow men. I don’t really understand or know what this is, but I like to think I am fulfilling this promise.

I don’t usually regret or want to take back a lot of things, but if I could change the last few months, I certainly would. I never wanted to be hurt like this. The thing is, I trust easily. I give people the benefit of the doubt because I see the good that people can be and want to be. I try to see them as God sees them. When you make a promise, I trust you’ll keep it because if I make a promise to you I sure as heck will be keeping it.

The thing about loyalty, is it’s important. It makes all the difference. I don’t plan on ever having a relationship where loyalty is not the foundation. It is required  for me and of everyone who plans on sticking in my life. If broken, trust is broken too and I won’t hesitate to get rid of someone. I’ve been hurt too many times and I won’t stick around to be hurt again.

Adieu, Cockatoo

❀ Annee