Jumbled Thoughts

It
Shouldn’t
Be
So
Hard
To
Flipping
Let
Go
Of
You.
I
Hate
You.
So why then
Do
I
Think
About
You
Everyday?

I hate myself for not being able to stop. I hate myself for liking you in the first place. I hate myself for caring about you. Most of all, I hate you for lying to me.
I want to forget. I want to be free.
I wonder though, if you think of me too. I hope it hurts you everyday, what you did to me.
I don’t miss you. I hate you.

***

She says “keep your eyes up, your feet aren’t going anywhere, the floor isn’t going anywhere”
But she doesn’t know that the floor really does move. She doesn’t know about the ceiling that swims and the monsters that dance in the carpet. She doesn’t know about the dark and light spots that flicker into my vision. How would she?
***

You know the feeling when you’re sitting on the floor in a crowded room and everyone else around you is standing and moving and talking? That’s how I feel all the time.
***

You smile at me and text me good morning, you laugh and we have a good time. But you don’t know my secrets, and heavens, would they scare you.
***

Is it really resting if fear is all you feel?
***

I know they would miss me. They tell me so. What I don’t understand is why. And maybe I don’t even care…
***

No, I’m not okay.
***

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3 thoughts on “Jumbled Thoughts

  1. HermitCrab says:

    I’m not going to tell you it’s going to get better soon, because who knows  how long it will be. I just wanted to tell you that, the way you describe your pain, it’s a perfect description of a place I’ve been before. This was brilliantly written-keep writing 😉
    One day may come where you’ll realize you haven’t thought of this person-it’ll shock you. The next, you might think of them again. It’s a slow diffusion.
    I have a similar experience I’d like to share with you, I’d be delighted if you took a look and shared your thoughts with me:
    https://hermitcrablifeblog.wordpress.com/2016/05/10/a-visitor-in-my-dreamslove-loss-sacrifice/

    Liked by 1 person

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