The Thing About Loyalty

Loyalty: noun. the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.

Loyalty to me is the most important thing. It’s that one thing that makes all the difference. My loyalty to God and the commandments is how so many of the decisions in my life are determined and what I base my choices off of. It’s loyalty that makes or breaks relationships depending on whether you have it or not.

When I give my loyalty, it is the strongest bond. A chain of steel that I will not break, so long as you hold your end. I’m hurt by disloyalty more than anything else. This last week has sucked because of that. I’ve had a few sucky moments in my life because of it.

When I was a child, my mom was disloyal to my father and our family. It tore me apart and hurt like hell. I guarded myself against this and knew that I never wanted to be hurt that way again. But this week I was hurt again. Not by my family, but by someone who was once more than a dear friend. I found out he’d been lying to me for the majority of our time together and once again, the anger and hurt and sadness I’d felt before came again.

My chest was so tight all day and I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to throw up and pass out and hurt myself all at the same time. I felt worthless. I still kind of do. He’d known exactly how I’d felt about loyalty, and he knew he had my trust, but he was selfish and continued to lie. He’d experienced this side of it himself, and he himself was the result of disloyalty. Every time his words come back to me it’s like a knife twisting further into my gut, making me feel sick again. There were months of lies. I never wanted to be hurt like that. I had guarded myself and somehow he’d got past it.

I think though, that maybe this experience wasn’t for me. I mean, yes, there’s things for me to learn from it, but I don’t think that it really was all for me. In my patriarchal blessing it says I will be “remembered as a virtuous woman for the service I render to my fellow men.” I think this was an example of that service. So many guys before have told me I deserve better than them and I always have a hard time seeing that because my self worth is not the greatest. Well, I do deserve better than this guy. They also always tell me that I’m so good. I feel like I make so many mistakes and don’t ever do enough. I don’t see what they see. Apparently though I give a great service to my fellow men. I don’t really understand or know what this is, but I like to think I am fulfilling this promise.

I don’t usually regret or want to take back a lot of things, but if I could change the last few months, I certainly would. I never wanted to be hurt like this. The thing is, I trust easily. I give people the benefit of the doubt because I see the good that people can be and want to be. I try to see them as God sees them. When you make a promise, I trust you’ll keep it because if I make a promise to you I sure as heck will be keeping it.

The thing about loyalty, is it’s important. It makes all the difference. I don’t plan on ever having a relationship where loyalty is not the foundation. It is required  for me and of everyone who plans on sticking in my life. If broken, trust is broken too and I won’t hesitate to get rid of someone. I’ve been hurt too many times and I won’t stick around to be hurt again.

Adieu, Cockatoo

❤ Annee

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