My major and future career choice is something I’m often told is admirable and that I will do well in my chosen field. I really connect with my major. It’s a part of who I am. (Wow, maybe this blog is a journey to self discovery?). But it isn’t always what I wanted to do. In fact, I’d never really considered it, but it was also the only option for me. Growing up, I wanted to be a soccer player, a mom, a ballerina, a writer, an advertiser, and so many other things. When it actually came time to think about a major, I was lost (I get lost figuratively a lot apparently). I loved writing and had a passion for it but it wasn’t a solid career choice in my mind. So I prayed. I don’t remember how or when the answer came to me but I do remember the incidents of confirmation that it was the right answer. Something would happen and I would help someone through their darkest time. Something would happen and I’d be strong enough to do something about it. I watched the patterns of people’s lives, the differences and similarities and fell in love with serving in a way that a lot of people couldn’t. Social work was the only option.
I am an emotional wreck a good 64% of the time. But apparently I am also an anchor, a stronghold 98% of the time. It doesn’t matter if my own life has fallen apart, I have the power to keep going. I have the power to help others always. I don’t know why I’m still on earth, honestly. How I’ve been able to survive—not because I’ve had a lot of near death experiences, but because there’s been so many times I haven’t seen a good enough reason to stay. To quote an internet post that describes my feelings quite a bit of the time, “…if I were to be walking across the road and a car was coming straight for me, I’m not sure I would get out of the way.” How then can I be stable enough for Social Work? I don’t actually know how, but I know that I am. For some reason, I help others find hope when I can’t even see it. There’s been so many situations where I’ve helped someone through a hard time and the feeling that comes after is always a reassurance of this is why I’m here and why social work. The problem? I don’t find those happenings, they find me. So when I’m in a rut (87% of this year so far) then I kind of just have to wait. And somehow I’m still alive and waiting. Someday I’m going to do something great.
Sometimes in my Sociology classes, I’m just like YES! I get this and I’m in the right place and then other times I just have no clue what’s going on. Today was the one of the latter days in class. It was the third class period in a row I’ve felt completely lost on the subject of Radioactive berries but between that and the Google trends of pornography vs. repentance, something actually clicked. I can have a completely confusing class like this, but something is always there reassuring me that it’s the right place.
After awhile Crocodile!